How the Navy drew a penis in the sky

The U.S. Navy has gotten to the bottom of the big “sky penis” scandal of 2017, Navy Times reports.

The phallic symbols were drawn in the sky with the contrails of a EA-18G Growler, flown by pilots with some time on their hands.

The Navy investigation, obtained by the Navy Times, reveals the jet crew didn’t think the contrails would last long enough for anyone on the ground in western Washington to notice.

The lieutenants responsible for the drawing were supposed to be on a 90-minute training mission when one crew member came up with the idea.

The EWO (electronic weapons officer) broached it first, according to the investigation.

“My initial reaction was no, bad,” the pilot wrote in a statement after the incident. “But for some reason still unknown to me, I eventually decided to do it.”

Their sky penis plan of attack was captured on their cockpit video recording system, a transcript of which is included in the investigation.

“Draw a giant penis,” the EWO said. “That would be awesome.”

“What did you do on your flight?” the pilot joked. “Oh, we turned dinosaurs into sky penises.”

“You should totally try to draw a penis,” the EWO advised.

“I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot boasted. “I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back. I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.”

They theorized on the second-order effects of their nascent sky drawing.

“Dude, that would be so funny,” the pilot said. “Airliner’s coming back on their way into Seattle, just this big (expletive)ing, giant penis. We could almost draw a vein in the middle of it too.”

We pause here to interject that no good idea has ever started with the word “dude.”

Now back to our story.

The cockpit voice recorder captured the aviating details.

“To get out of this, I’m gonna go like down and to the right,” the pilot said. “And we’ll come back up over the top and try to take a look at it.”

“I have a feeling the balls will have dissipated by then,” his partner answered.

“It’s possible,” the pilot said.

They flew away to a distance where they could take in their work.

They cracked up in the cockpit as their sky penis came into full view, snapping pics they would later delete once they realized their command would likely go apoplectic.

“Oh yes, that was (expletive)ing amazing,” the pilot said. “This is so obvious.”

“That’s a (expletive),” the EWO said. “Dude, I’m amazed that this stayed.”

It was not long after that the pilot realized the problem. The sky penis was not dissipating.

By the time they got back to their base, their executive officer was on the case, asking if anything unusual had happened, knowing full well by then that something had. Social media had started spreading the pictures. That’s when the jet crew confessed.

Heads did not roll, however.

“While the sky writing conducted by (the lieutenants) was crude, immature, and unprofessional, it was not premeditated or planned and not in keeping with their character demonstrated prior to the incident,” the investigator wrote.

“They 100 percent need to be held accountable, but if they are allowed to continue in naval aviation this is not a mistake they will repeat,” their executive officer wrote. “Minus the current circumstances, they have never given me a reason to doubt their trustworthiness or their resolve to be officers in the Navy.”

(h/t: Melissa Block)