A case for a Canadian invasion

It takes a lot to make Canada mad, but former diplomat Scott Gilmore has pretty much had it.

“We were there to accept their wayward American aircraft after 9/11,” he writes today on McLean’s. “We fought and died beside them in Europe, Korea and Afghanistan. For decades, we’ve shared our intelligence, our maple syrup and our comedians. And in return we graciously took their draft dodgers, reality TV shows and light beer with nary a complaint.”

Until now, apparently, after President Trump turned the country into America’s latest punching bag over grievances real and imagined.

It’s been a bonding experience, however, for many Americans of varying political stripes, who are uniting in a common expression following the president’s weekend rants. “Canada? What?”

Gilmore says there’s only one thing for Canada to do: invade America.

Others might have you believe an invasion is impractical, expensive or even doomed to bog Canada down in a quagmire. This is all untrue. The United States military is currently deployed in over 150 countries around the world. That must leave almost nobody on this side of the Atlantic. And while it is true the Pentagon has the world’s largest navy, Canada now has so few seaworthy ships, the Americans will be hard pressed to even find them.

Our invasion may be slowed due to the usual congestion at the border crossings, but if we time our attack mid-week, traffic on the Ambassador Bridge should be manageable. And, of course, we have our secret weapon—the Canadian fifth column of actors and athletes. Justin Bieber and Nickelback have already done more to dull American senses than even the most sophisticated propaganda or psy-ops campaign could ever achieve.

I concede, this does seem like a drastic step. But, these are drastic times. And invading the United States will allow us to help the Americans help themselves. Once stabilization operations are complete, we can begin a nation-building campaign so they finally obtain the peace, order and good governance they have longed for over so many years.

Once Canada conquers us, he says, people here will be required to attend training programs, during which Canadians will explain gender equality, democracy and climate science.